Thursday, August 25, 2005

Mommie dearest revisited, or the real face of terror?

My worst nightmare ever: just having boasted yesterday that there seemed no such thing as a 'bad dream', only good, if worked through, it seems as if I live back 'home' with my mother, and she seems a really demented witch/hag, throwing all manner of abuse at me. When I criticize the rubbish she watches on TV (channel 9), she virtually accuses me of somehow having responsibility for that (as if!), and then hurls strange, made-up words at me, worse than any I have encountered in literati, such as "her-e-tic" (with the stress on the middle e), supposedly meaning "ir(e)n", with the stress on the first, short i, supposedly meaning, "basically tolerant of evil". It seems she could never understand the dialectical richness of Anne Rice, this devoutly Catholic, Christian woman, for whom good and evil represent absolutes, and not the two sides of the same coin they represent to me, and Anne; Ansur and I have so much in common, he with his devoutly and hypocritically Protestant, Christian mother, but unlike him, catch me nursing her in her dying days! Even my sisters seem oddly sympathetic and supportive next to her, as they and a friend bundle up my bedclothes to take into my (old) bedroom, but I retrieve them, and bring them back into the lounge, setting up a small and narrow bed for myself on the mantelpiece, hoping to gain a little warmth? She seizes them, and wraps them around herself, to carry them away again, and I think how oddly she resembles a stereotypical terrorist, as I begin to unwind them from her again...
Comment: I have tried to re-enter this dream using active imagination, to calmly walk from the room and retire to my bedroom, or even leave the house, but the feeling of bottomless rage, despair and, yes, terror still remain. I probably should not blog this, but I have to, to get it somehow out of my system and off my chest, and it seems unlikely she, as a total Luddite, will ever see this anyway. There you have it, my own worst nightmare, the witch's own demented hag, in the person of a mother scarier to her even than Sybil's mother, or Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest (and I thought them pretty terrifying at the time, the two scariest movies ever?). I found Sybil's mother in particular the only one who had ever made me afraid of the dark, but now... How can I return to the dark? The best I can do seems to continue to avoid her, like the plague? ;-P
(Today's cyber-Tarot, Queen of Swords, definitely had something to do with this dream - ignore their interpretation! Queen of Swords represents both my mum, a widow, and me, separated. In my Tarot, the goddess Athene represents her: the only goddess who had it in for Arachne, and therefore the only goddess Arachne still has it in for? Not that I mind life as a spider, mind... just keep Athene away! Possibly this dream represents an actual psychic attack by her?) ;-))
Weird sequel to dream, later in the night/earlier in the morning: Found myself out driving with Sebi, on some sort of weird Gawith Villa daytrip (!), and, having subsidised Sebi's petrol (from "Frankston-Rye"), had bought two slabs of Toohey's beer, and stood them beside my bag, foolishly not locking them safely in the car. A, a client, wanted to make off with one. B, a worker, wanted to "steal" it back off her in turn. When we caught up with her, by car, A began calmly unpacking my beer into her bag, unchallenged by B. I felt furious, and began screaming that I could not call her (A) my friend any more.
Comment and interpretation: Reminds me of Hank's dreams re alcohol when supposedly in detox. Questions regarding alcohol interfere with friendship, and professional life, on all levels?
I tend also to regard this dream as maybe physically therapeutic; maybe client in dream symbolised whatever caused my health scare on the weekend, and I "screamed" at "her" to "banish" her, much as cancer patients use visualization devices against their cancer cells, i.e. nothing "robs" me of the right to enjoy my alcohol ;-))

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Claire,
Thanks for the reply - no I'm not a practicing Catholic any longer but I still hold strong connections with my franciscan spirituality. I'd love a copy of the John Michael Talbot tape - don't know when I can collect it as Sebi and I have had a falling out. Won't go into anything but only to say that I understand if you are unable or unwilling to reply because of your own very close friendship to Sebi. Hope all is well with you in spirit,mind and body
Christopher

12:11 pm  
Blogger asgif666 said...

Sorry to hear about the "falling out", Christopher. Anytime you are passing by Prahran, just drop in (late afternoons/early evenings preferably, or any time on the weekends, except this coming one) and you can have the tape; I don't need to copy it, I honestly haven't played it in donkey's ages, so you might as well have it. You can ring ahead first on 9 510 4259, to check if I will be there,and to get the street address; I know putting my phone number here seems a bit dodgy, but there seems no other way of getting my address to you, because I cannot reply by email directly to anonymous-blogger comments (I can always check your identity through the window by the front door, anyway) ;-P

My Carmelite spirituality did kick on for quite a bit longer than my practising Catholicism, but even that seems mutating strangely these days as well ;-))

4:04 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Claire
Thanks for replying. As I said, I know you are a very good friend of Sebi's and I wouldn't want our difficulties to get in the way of that friendship. It would be great to do a Tarot with you at some stage also. Sebi did one for me and I found it very interesting and helpful.
Christopher

4:32 pm  
Blogger Sebastian Aristos said...

Boy, oh boy ! Things are really happening in the blogosphere at the moment. Is Mercury retrograde ?

8:27 pm  
Blogger asgif666 said...

Hehe, would love to do a Tarot for Chris...Should I also bring Tarot cards to art class? No, Mercury seems straight as a die at the moment, as far as I know ;-))

8:43 pm  
Blogger Ansur said...

I cared for my mother—even though she was psychologically damaged—for several reasons:

1. In my earliest memories, she was caring and wonderful. It was only as life dragged her down over her long life, that she became what she ended up as—a hypocritical ultra brainwashed Christian, full of hatred for anyone. I felt I owed her for those first wonderful years.

2. I hoped, that by my example, one or all of my children might have mercy on me when I am old and helpless. I certainly do not expect this, but perhaps they will take pity on other old family members that need help. It is part of our royal family tradition to take care of each other—even when we do not like each other.

3. She was sexually abused by her stepfather—something I did not know until near the end of her life. This explained some of why she was the way she was. And I took pity on her.

4. Just before she moved in with us, she had a stoke that left her somewhat confused and childlike. Again, I took pity on her and I think, that if she had not been so damage by her life experiences, she would have been able to show more love.

I am compassionate—perhaps too much…????

Ansur

11:43 pm  
Blogger asgif666 said...

I think most people would think of me as compassionate and empathic too, Ansur; I just feel my compassion and empathy run up against a brick wall when it comes to my mum, perhaps because I do not know enough about her. I know she had her own problems, and considered suicide once, with still small children. I know she also had problems with alcohol, and now rigorously controls that. I know she had excess testerosterone (for a woman), and always had to do electrolysis to remove the hairs from her face (even know I cannot abide the feel of her 'stubble' *shudder*). I know she had mood swings and problems with anger, and I felt myself her most convenient target, as the eldest, whom she would have preferred as a boy (girls born to women who would have preferred boys cop it more than boys born to women who would have preferred girls, as I did!). I know she thought me a lumpish and inconvenient baby, slow to both talk and walk (till I had braces on my legs, until 2 or so). Only with talking, once started, I have not stopped since, lol! Both my parents thought me "wayward" and "contrary", till I made my first moral decision, around age 9, to "be good", but not as they thought "good". I know she ignored the evidence of my father's attempted sexual abuse of us, and possible actual abuse in the case of my youngest sister. I know she had problems with her own mother,who could never accept my father (with good reason: I don't think of her as my "fairy grandmother" for nothing). I wish my grandmother could have taken the role of my mother, and my stepfather that of my dad (Conversations with God seems right about that: grandparents should raise children, rather than parents, because until 40 or so, parents themselves seem still "children"? Grandparents as the real "elders") - New Age perspective, hehe!. I miss him (now deceased), because he always stood up for me against my mother, when she emotionally savaged me! But the point is, she too can show compassion and empathy, as a counsellor , to everyone...but me!!! Sure, she took me in on my return from Norway, but extremely grudgingly, and never made me feel "welcome", and only made it a hellish experience for us both until I could get a place to move out to (which itself proved yet another hellish experience, but that would involve another story!). I feel I can safely leave her in the care of my sisters now, because she always preferred them to me, anyway. When your family has made you feel like the persona non grata, what obligations can they expect of you? I envy you your final resolution, however ;-))

6:52 am  
Anonymous Tony sebis boyfrend said...

hi claire loved your blog i got the feeling when reading it that u , as i thought can relece any of the thoughts that come through your dreans ,just as drinking a glass of water and replase it with the most positive of energies , as u sed about people with cancer , the body mind and spirit can heal anything that comes in our parth of life, all u have to do is let, body and mind to heal , guidence, and trust your iner self to do the healing for u
love tony

6:03 pm  
Blogger asgif666 said...

Thanks Tony, see previous comment...why do you both not communicate by Messenger, since you have it?

10:19 pm  

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