Living will (e-prime corrected)
I, Claire Pedersen, of sound mind and body at this point, do not wish anyone to keep me alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should anyone put my fate in the hands of peckerwood, ethically-challenged politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, Margarita, Bloody Mary, Martini, Rum & Coke, shot of Wild Turkey, etc., or even a smoke, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When suitably qualified persons should reach such a determination, I hereby instruct my son Joshua Hayward and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. Under no circumstances shall the hypocritical members of the Legislature (State or Federal) enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. I wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Australians who do not find themselves in a permanent coma. Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they try to scrounge for, I wish only that they play politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace. I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business, too. If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.
Duly signed this day by my own hand: Claire Pedersen (hopefully this binds it legally!)